My Therapy Session W/ Chocolate (sorry it's long)

As I sat up against the door to my bedroom, eating chocolate, drinking diet pepsi, and crying, there were a couple things going through my mind:

1. I should not be eating chocolate while I am sad
2. It's too late to be drinking pop and eating chocolate
3. The reality of everything has finally set in.

At that moment, I wished so badly that I could just run next door to my Moms. There is something about home that brings peace and comfort to me, just knowing that my Mom is there seems to make everything better.

As some of you know, I have never liked Mother's Day. Growing up, I loved it. I loved being able to show my Mom how much I loved her. I always wanted to be able to talk in church on Mother's day, so I could let everyone know what a fabulous and awesome Mom she was and is. I was so excited when I became a Mom for the first time. I was looking forward to my first Mother's day. For some reason, it was a big let down. It wasn't what I thought it would be. But knowing that I could celebrate my Mom and Mother-in-law, made my day.

As the years went on, I found out I wasn't the only one who didn't like Mother's day. There were others out there who felt the same way as me. It made me feel better knowing I wasn't alone. I love the little things the girls and Jared do for me, but I realized it wasn't a holiday for me. I didn't feel like I was super Mom and deserved a day for me.

With Mother's day coming up, it will be the first year in the 10 years we have been married that I won't be close to home to celebrate it with the Mom's in my life. And that makes me sad.

A big decision was made in our household in the past few months and the reality of that has finally hit me. I don't know if it's because Mother's day is coming up, or I haven't really stopped to think about it for awhile. Jared and I came to the decision that we are done having kids. For my health and safety and for the safety of the baby, we are done. I am ok with that decision, but right now I have an ache in my heart and the tears keep flowing.

After I had Ashlyn, I had a few problems. Couldn't be on birth control because it would make it so I wouldn't be able to have kids ever again. I suffered from PPD and didn't realize it. I thought I was fine, but I didn't realize until I started looking back, that that's what it was.

It took us a few years to get pregnant with Elly. I was so excited to be able to have another baby. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. She was a good sleeper just like Ashlyn was. I was feeling good other than the normal hormonal problems that come with having a baby. I hid it well, the sadness, and I never told anyone. I never told my Mom or Jared. I mastered the art of hiding my sadness and the "I can't do this" feelings. I thought I was fine until Jared came home one day from work and Elly was in her crib crying and I couldn't get myself to pick her up. I felt inadequate as a mother and I was afraid I was failing. I started taking some herbs that helped balance things out, but that took some time. I have also had back pains from having an epidural and so the strain on my back, wouldn't be good.

I think every woman who has ever had kids and has made the decision to be done, suffers from an ache in her heart. I keep thinking that I am letting someone down. I keep praying for a peaceful heart again. I look at the 2 beautiful girls I have now and I am so grateful that I have them to love and to make memories with.

Pres. Gordon B Hinckley said "You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out. It will not be the money you have made. It will not be the cars you have owned. It will not be the large house in which you live. The searing question that will cross your mind again and again will be, How well have my children done?"

Right now, that is my main concern, my girls. Yes my heart aches and probably will and I feel like I am letting someone down, but there will be a time and a place for me to have more children.